A series of both fortunate and unfortunate events
by the emerald wolf
Summary: a quick little one shot that might turn into a collection one day. its as the title says A series of both fortunate and unfortunate events lets see what happens rated T becuse i want it to be. please R&R i will update whenever i get an idea.
1. a red stone

Well I was board one day and this came to me. hope you like it I will update whenever a random idea hits have fun I hope you like this one shot please R&R

Chapter one

A red stone

The scorching sun was beating down as Ed clapped his hands and turned his automail into a blade.

"Come on Envy!" the short blond alchemist called out. "I've had about enough of you!" Envy didn't hesitate before calling back to him.

"I finally get to fight the full metal shrimp this will be fun!"

"BROTHER!" a large suite of armor called to the alchemist.

"Calm down Al. Just sit down I'll handle this." Al stopped for a moment before shrugging.

"Alright Ed," Al walked away and sat down on a nearby bench. "Oh what's this?" he asked as he picked up a bright yellow banana off the ground. "I LOVE BANNANAS!" he exclaimed as he started to peel it before he noticed he couldn't eat it. Al frowned and called to Ed. "Here Brother you can have it maybe it will help you grow. it might work like popeye and spinish." Al tossed the banana at the two just as Envy charged at Ed the banana landing directly between the two of them. Envy's face lit with horror as he slipped on said banana and fell hitting his head on a rock. His skin split open and a philosopher's stone slid across the ground to Ed's feet leaving Envy in a small green slug form. Ed picked up the stone raised it high above his head and yelled in triumph.

"I GOT IT I GOT IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!"

"Aw man." Envy muttered, as Al ran up to congratulate Ed.

"You were great Ed you defeated a homunculus!"

"Well Al I was pretty amazing wasn't I?" just then a large hawk flew by scooping low and plucked the bright red stone from Ed's hand.

"NO!" the three yelled in union, startling the bird. The bird flew into a window of central HQ but not just any window. Nope it was corneal Roy Mustang's window. The bird started uproar as Hawkeye fired multiple bullets and mustang snapped his fingers burning his paper work to ashes. Hawkeye glared at him but he just shrugged and said.

"You saw it was the birds fault."

"Don't hurt it don't hurt it!" Fury called out waving his hands for Hawkeye and Mustang to stop attacking it before he entered a long speech about how scared the poor creature must be. The bird flew back out the window and dropped the blood red stone it landed with a splash in a sewerage drain. Ed, Al, and Envy stared in shock and could still hear Mustang yelling "Who is responsible for this." from the window. Ed sighed and placed his hands behind his head and said.

"Well Al, looks like we better get going before corneal jerk realizes we are here."

"Right brother," Al agreed and the two left in search for another stone. Meanwhile Envy saw that if he didn't retrieve the stone he would not get another and would be forced to remain a slug for eternity, and began his long journey after the stone. It took him three days to cross the street to the drain pipe where he fell down into its dark clutches.

"I can see it!" he exclaimed as he saw a red glint only a few feet away from him. But when he took the first step towards it two red eyes appeared beside him and a large black sewerage rat rushed at him grabbing him in its mouth and began to scurry away with its dinner. As it ran it kicked the stone into the rushing water below Envy watched it get carried away never to be seen again.

Three days latter

"I am so grateful to the Dr for letting me stay here." young Mei Chang said cheerfully as she approached the sink in the washroom. "But I don't understand why that Lan Fan girl has to be here." she turned the faucet and heard a solid _thunk. _Curious, she looked into the sink to see a bright red stone the size of her small finger awaiting her.


	2. clones

Chapter 2

Clones

_Mustang's worst nightmare comes true. _

"Short, little pipsqueak, you're a short shrimp." Mustang said in a sing-song voice.

"Cut it out you flame obsessed freak I'M NOT SHORT!" said the blond haired, golden eyed alchemist. He shot out a gloved white fist at the dark haired onyx eyed alchemist. But Mustang moved and Ed's fist never met its target.

_Snap _

The bottom of Ed's red coat caught fire and he began franticly trying to put it out. Mustang's loud obnoxious laughter filled the room. The door opened.

"That's enough sir." Said the blond haired sharpshooter, neither of the boys argued they had learned better.

"Come on Al." Ed muttered and walked out of the room with a large suite of empty armor following behind.

"Alright brother,"

"Stupid corneal jerk, how dare he call me short? He's a pyromaniac who lives to steal girls from Lt. Havoc."

"I see you are unhappy with your working circumstances." A voice said from a nearby alley. Ed turned around to see a man who looked exactly like his own father except he knew it wasn't. This was Father. He was wearing a black traveling cloak.

"Um…" Ed said not exactly sure how to react.

"I can help you. I have philosopher's stones. You can take one and get revenge on Mustang." The idea excited Ed and ideas began flashing through his mind.

"Alright old man I'll take a stone."

"Good that's $100." Ed choked.

"What?"

"Revenge comes with a price and I am making it literal." Ed mumbled under his breath as he pulled money out of his pocket.

"Thank you; this will amplify your alchemic powers." Father said as he handed Ed a blood red philosopher's stone. Then he disappeared into the shadows. "And may the force be with you."

"…What?" Ed asked confused. He shook his head. "Crazy old coot, talking nonsense. But who cares? I HAVE A PHILOSOPHER"S STONE!" he jumped up and yelled excitedly. Then with an evil grin he ran off towards central.

10 minutes later

Snap, snap, snap

"Why won't they die?" Mustang called out flaming one Ed clone after another as they barreled towards him like zombies. Ed laughed evilly.

"Yes, with that stone father gave me I can defeat Mustang!" he let out another round of evil laughter. "Attack my minions, ATTACK!"

"Um…brother," Al started shyly. "Um Ed I know you are having fun and all but don't you think we should have used that stone to get our bodies back?"

"…DANG IT!" Ed called out. He had been so excited he had used the entire stone had had nothing left.

"Really full metal?" Mustang said as all the clones stopped attacking. "You are such an idiot. You search for a stone for four years then when you find one you use it on revenge. Pathetic."

"…ATTACK MY MINIONS!" Ed clapped his hands and 4 of the clones mugged into one tall Ed, 15 feet high. "IS THAT SHORT?"

"AAGG!" Mustang called out and began flaming as many of the approaching clones as he could. "Curse you full metal! Curse you!"

Picture zooms out and reveals Hohenheim telling 20 little kids a story from a handmade book.

"See kids. Power corrupts and when it's in the wrong hands it is very dangerous. And that is the story of the time the foolish Edward lost his chance to get his body and his brother's body back, because he was selfish and wanted revenge."

"That Edward is stupid." A small child said with a wisp in her voice.

"Yes, yes he is." Hohenheim agreed.

"Hohenheim you jerk!" Ed screamed from off to the right and came charging out of the bushes.

"ATTACK MY MINIONS ATTACK, save your leader!" Hohenheim screamed and all the little kids stood up and began screaming and punching and attacking Ed.

"NO Fair Hohenheim! I can't attack little kids!"

"That's for asking what number wife your mother was!" Hohenheim called back as he put the book into his briefcase picked it up. "Well that's all folks." He said as he ran leaving Ed to deal with the kids.


	3. just another day at work

Just another day at work

_If you have any ideas for a random chapter please leave me a note in the review or PM me, things like random story one shots are rare to me so ideas are welcomed. This chapter is kind of…weird i dont think it is my best work but please enjoy it anyway and R&R. _

It was just your average day at work for Mustang's crew in central. Fury was looking over papers and summarizing how they affect poor little animals, Breda was then taking the summaries and noting how they need to get rid of dogs. Falman was then fixing the paper back to how it affects the country. And Havoc was taking them to get copied. Mustang was doing what he did best; sleep while there is a pile of papers that needs his signature by noon. The door opened and Hawkeye walked in. She took a glance around the room and her eyes fell on the corneal. She let out a deep sigh as she walked over to his side.

"Sir…Sir...No hyote don't pee on Mustang's new coat." Mustang's eyes shot open and he leaped up to his feet looking around franticly for the evil dog. He looked up at Hawkeye.

"Oh good morning Lt. I'm glad you found time to join us." He took another glance around the room. "So where is your dog?"

"I left him at the groomers." She replied with a sly smile. Mustang's eye twitched and he plopped back down in his chair and tilted his hat down to sleep. "Sir these papers need signing." Mustang waved his hand lazily muttering. Hawkeye sighed and cocked her gun. When she had awoken to the bright sunlight and fresh air she had expected the day would be special, apparently not. She pointed her gun at Mustang's head and said. "Sir, sign the papers." Mustang didn't move.

"Yes Hawkeye, shoot me end this endless paper work for me." well that was new. Pointing the gun always made them do whatever she wanted. Even when they were teenagers she got him to stop acting stupid by pointing her first pistol at him. "Hawkeye you will need to think of something good as a reward because I am not doing this paperwork otherwise." She sighed she had hoped this day would never come.

"Sir…if you can finish those 3 stacks of paper work before noon which is in two hours….I will take you to that new restaurant you said you wanted to try." Mustang's one eye popped open and he watched her carefully.

"You mean like a date?" Hawkeye swallowed.

"Yes sir, like a date."

"I bet he is no were near finished." Fury said to Breda and Falman as he held up 40 Sen.

"I bet he doesn't even try." Breda said holding up 50 Sen.

"I bet he misses by a few minutes." Falman bet as he held up 100 Sen.

"You realize you are all voting against him." Hawkeye observed.

"Safest bet!" All the men replied in union. Hawkeye rolled her eyes but couldn't disagree she had made a deal with madam Christmas and Rebecca. And she had bet against Mustang and planned on using the money she would win on new "toys" AKA: guns.

Mustang instantly sat up and began signing papers only reading a few lines here and there, managing to get ½ of the large stack done in 10 minutes.

_Impossible,_ Hawkeye thought in astonishment. _I have never seen him work so hard so fast before. At this rate he will have at least 2 hours left as sweet as it is I won't lose to Madam Christmas. _

This was Hawkeye's last resort. But she decided what choice did she have? But to go to the enemy, she met him in the shadowy corner of the hallway next to the food court.

"What is it you need help with Lt." the young blond alchemist said as he leaned across the bench.

"I need you to distract the corneal and stop him from finishing his paper work before noon. I have a bet placed against him."

"What an odd set of circumstances. You said you need help? Meanwhile I need a new coat." Hawkeye cocked her gun, and pointed it at him.

"Ed this is no time for jokes."

"Brother, don't mess with her!" the large suite of armor sitting beside Ed said urgently.

"Right Al," Ed agreed. "Or keeping my life works too." Ed said holding up his hands in defeat to Hawkeye. "Besides Hawkeye you just gave me permission to do something I wanted to do for years annoy the corneal."

"Brother I don't think this is right. You shouldn't do it."

"Hey Al Mustang promised to take in all the cats you can save."

"ALL OF THEM!" Al exclaimed happily.

"Yup ALL of them go save as many poor defenseless kittens as you can find." Al let out a cry of joy as he skipped away down the hall.

"Thank you full metal," Hawkeye said.

"I am no longer full metal call me, destructor destroyer of all Cows, milk and jerks!"

"Goodbye full metal." Hawkeye said as she walked away. Leaving Edward with his fist hanging in the air, left in a fantasy of shooting laser beams at cows. As she walked away Hawkeye wondered. _If he is destroyer of all jerks how will he get rid of himself? _

Back in the office Mustang was nearly done with his paper work and had 1 hour left. Fury, Havoc, Falman, and Breda had taken their lunch break leaving Hawkeye and Mustang alone in the room.

Knock, knock, and knock.

The sound came from the door. Mustang groaned as he walked to the door. He pulled it open and a look of terror and confusion crossed his face.

"What the He-"he started but never finished he was stampeded by a large wooden cow bell jingling as it ran into the room. He was knocked to the ground and the cow headed for his desk of finished papers. "NO!" Mustang cried out and snapped his fingers to set the cow aflame. The cow didn't burn the only reaction it gave was a load Moo that filled the room.

"…" Hawkeye stared in shock at the cow plummeting towards the table she had no clue how the shrimp had done it until she glanced two small booted feet underneath the cow running to make it go. She gave an anime sweat drop as he rammed the table and papers flew. Mustang snapped his fingers again he had seen the feet and there was smoke coming from his ears.

"Moo-OW! Ag hot, hot, hot!" The cow cried out as it took random direction until it crashed headfirst into the wall. The wood splintered and left the small blond alchemist sitting on the floor. He was franticly patting the fire until it was out. He looked up at the pissed off Mustang. "…Moo." Ed said not knowing what else to say.

"Odd I thought I would make hamburgers but roast shrimp is good too!"

"AAAAGGGG!" Ed yelled as he scrambled to his feet and dashed for the door sparks and flames dancing around him as he ran. He slammed the door shut behind him the sound echoing in the quite office leaving Hawkeye and Mustang alone in the messy pile of papers scattered all across the room not to mentions splinters of his former desk.

"This will take forever to clean up." Mustang pouted.

"Only an hour left sir." Hawkeye pointed out. It took 15 minutes for mustang to clean up the office by that time his subordinates had returned to work.

_Ok 45 minutes_ Mustang thought. I_ can do this. _He just picked up his pen when.

Knock, knock, and knock.

"I am going to kill that pipsqueak." Mustang muttered to herself as he walked to the door. Taking a deep breath he opened the door. He didn't even have time to yell before he was completely buried in a pile of cats. Al stood in the door way smiling brightly. Everyone in the room leaped to their feet. Fury ran over muttering "poor cute little cats." Mustang's head pocked up over the pile that was on top of him.

"WHAT THE MEOW!" he paused "…Did I just say meow?" he dug his way out the cats were everywhere. "AL what are you doing?" Mustang yelled angrily.

"Well Mustang you promised to take in all the kittens Al found didn't you?" Ed said stepping out from behind Al his cloak still singed at the bottom.

"That one's name is whiskers, that one's muffin, that one's fuzzy." Al started.

"And that one's name is snowball, and that one is magic, and that one's name is fluffy." Fury went on. "And over there is Philip." Everyone looked at him with a look of wonder.

"Get them out." Mustang demanded. "NOW! Ed I will get you back lat-" he was cut off when he realized Al and Ed were gone and they had left the cats. "GET BACK HERE ED!" he yelled down the hall when there was no answer he ran after them. 10 minutes later he ran back in to find his office still a mess with kittens. The only upside was that he had not only burned Ed's coat to ashes but he also managed to dump a bucket of milk on him. Then it took them 30 minutes to get rid of all the cats. Hawkeye smiled when they were done.

_5 minutes. There's _No way he can finish in five minutes. Mustang was frantically signing papers until he had 1 minute left and 4 papers left. Each second seemed to last an eternity. Everyone was crowded around the desk.

"DONE!" Mustang screamed at the top of his lungs. All their heads swiveled to look up at the clock. 12:01pm

"YES!" Falman cried out as Breda and Fury began muttering and pulling out their wallets. Hawkeyes fist flew up into the air in triumph but she quickly put it down when she realized how bad that looked. Ed and Al ran up and down the hallway screaming.

"YAHOO!" came the yelling from the blond. Mustang slumped down in his chair depressed. Hawkeye was immediately overcome by guilt. It wasn't fair she cheated him.

"Sir…if it makes a difference I will take you to the restaurant anyway." _it may be with the money I cheated off of Madam Christmas but he doesn't have to know._

_And so Mustang finished his paper work to hand in, Falman made a lot of money, Ed got to annoy Mustang and Mustang got to attack Ed… just another average day at work. _Hawkeye thought_…maybe I need a vacation._


End file.
